tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6137038525559242213.post623058530908468381..comments2024-03-17T03:19:28.232-04:00Comments on the Anonymati: Pitch Contest Honorable Mentions 20-34Editorial Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/06294247222893767117noreply@blogger.comBlogger18125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6137038525559242213.post-22585291915815971652008-08-07T12:09:00.000-04:002008-08-07T12:09:00.000-04:00Miss Snark's query formula:X is the main guy.Y is ...Miss Snark's query formula:<BR/><BR/>X is the main guy.<BR/><BR/>Y is the bad guy.<BR/><BR/>They meet at Z and all L breaks loose.<BR/><BR/>If they don’t solve Q, then R starts.<BR/><BR/>If they do solve Q, then it’s L square.Sarah Laurensonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09252565450452195395noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6137038525559242213.post-29055681092423654222008-08-07T10:06:00.000-04:002008-08-07T10:06:00.000-04:00Thanks for taking the time to do this, EA. I was ...Thanks for taking the time to do this, EA. I was the second #27, so I guess I'm not sure how to make the story I wrote seem less like self-indulgent garbage.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6137038525559242213.post-42165985805142122792008-08-06T14:40:00.000-04:002008-08-06T14:40:00.000-04:00Wow. Can't believe I made the list at #22 and I ca...Wow. Can't believe I made the list at #22 and I can't believe I forgot to post the first sentence of my pitch...er, the part about what actually happens in the story. EA, thanks for taking the time to post the pitches. Learned so much from reading your feedback-feel like I've just taken a writing class at EA Blog University. Hmmm...I like that, maybe a good title for a book? A book about someone who ditches high school for a blog education. :=)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6137038525559242213.post-57450914356907338932008-08-06T12:16:00.000-04:002008-08-06T12:16:00.000-04:00Hi Beth,Thank you for the feedback! No, Frankie i...Hi Beth,<BR/><BR/>Thank you for the feedback! <BR/><BR/>No, Frankie is of no religion and her mother's belief is that she can decide for herself. It doesn't (so far, very rough draft) touch much on religious belief so much as intolerence...Merry Monteleonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09435956005780500310noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6137038525559242213.post-48618386931828775742008-08-06T12:04:00.000-04:002008-08-06T12:04:00.000-04:00Thanks, EA.Garlic conflict? Yep.#33's Tommy loves ...Thanks, EA.<BR/><BR/>Garlic conflict? Yep.<BR/>#33's Tommy loves garlic but he's allergic to it.<BR/><BR/>Have to keep the humor foremost on this one as it is mostly humorous. Thanks again for the critique!Sarah Laurensonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09252565450452195395noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6137038525559242213.post-48671316166453708782008-08-06T08:27:00.000-04:002008-08-06T08:27:00.000-04:00Here's my 2 cents, for what it's worth:For Frankie...Here's my 2 cents, for what it's worth:<BR/><BR/>For Frankie Kinnessey, it’s hard enough being the new kid going into eighth grade, let alone trying to fit in while hiding the fact that her mother’s a witch. [I found this sentence a little long...had to read it twice. Simplifying it would help]<BR/><BR/>I know what you’re thinking, and it’s not nearly as cool as it sounds. [Awesome line!!] Frankie’s mom can’t move things with her mind or cast spells that, you know, actually do anything – at least not as far as Frankie can tell. She’s a Wiccan and it’s a bonafide religion, even though most regular people mix myth with reality. When they move from Sedona, where the neighbors were used to their weirdness, to LaGrange [need a comma here] Illinois, Frankie decides it’s best to keep the truth to herself. [Question...is Frankie a Wiccan, too? What are her beliefs?]<BR/><BR/>[Had no comments for the other paragraph]<BR/><BR/>WOW! This one is MUCH better...really...the tone is awesome and it really intrigues me. I'd stick with this one--adapt it for a query and use it!Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11431700962951592287noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6137038525559242213.post-1210580579229808832008-08-06T01:08:00.000-04:002008-08-06T01:08:00.000-04:00I actually did worry that a witch story would be t...I actually did worry that a witch story would be too over-played (I did the Frankie Kinnessey one). I tooled around with the pitch on another blog and had some great feedback suggesting that I cut a good deal, but I think my original, though longer, captured the story better and showed the twist that makes this one different... now I just have to figure out how to keep the twist but simplify the pitch... here's the original if anyone has any ideas:<BR/><BR/><I>For Frankie Kinnessey, it’s hard enough being the new kid going into eighth grade, let alone trying to fit in while hiding the fact that her mother’s a witch. <BR/><BR/>I know what you’re thinking, and it’s not nearly as cool as it sounds. Frankie’s mom can’t move things with her mind or cast spells that, you know, actually do anything – at least not as far as Frankie can tell. She’s a Wiccan and it’s a bonafide religion, even though most regular people mix myth with reality. When they move from Sedona, where the neighbors were used to their weirdness, to LaGrange Illinois, Frankie decides it’s best to keep the truth to herself.<BR/><BR/>Keeping home and school separate really isn’t so hard until Jasmine, the coolest of the elite crowd, discovers Frankie’s secret. Before she knows it, the entire school’s abuzz, but instead of being relegated to the loser table at lunch, she’s the most sought after girl there. Popularity has the odd effect of propelling Frankie to embellish her non-existent powers and alienate the two girls who liked her before she became the resident witch extraordinaire. When Jasmine’s jealousy over Frankie’s newfound fame sends her on a campaign to discredit her, Frankie’s in for a whole lot of trouble that even her made up persona would have a hard time overcoming.</I><BR/><BR/>And EA, thanks again for the feedback and all of the time you spent on this - and for giving us this forum to tinker with our pitches.Merry Monteleonehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09435956005780500310noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6137038525559242213.post-63511311075915644672008-08-05T18:15:00.000-04:002008-08-05T18:15:00.000-04:00beth,Thanks! I'm in a haze from the weekend...but ...beth,<BR/>Thanks! I'm in a haze from the weekend...but I'm definately working on the pitch.<BR/><BR/>Your book sounds great.Stephanie J. Blakehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17997433466625207454noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6137038525559242213.post-48774755595496492192008-08-05T15:31:00.000-04:002008-08-05T15:31:00.000-04:00Thanks so much, Carly! I'm having so much trouble...Thanks so much, Carly! I'm having so much trouble figuring out how to explain the complex magic in my world in only a few sentences.<BR/><BR/>And Colorado Writer...I'm as surprised as you that witches seem so popular! Just a thought: the first time I read your new sentence, it sounded like the mother WAS the best friend...restructuring it or adding something before (i.e. her ghostly best friend) may help.<BR/><BR/>If it's not too much trouble, I've re-written the query a tad, and tried to flesh out the understanding. This would be the bones of query. Does it make more sense now?<BR/><BR/>Belle may have wanted something more exciting than her regular, boring life, but she certainly didn't expect her English teacher to be a witch. The Amnesia Door, a 60k word YA contemporary fantasy, tells how Belle discovers magic in her ordinary world, and then fights to keep that magic in her life.<BR/><BR/>Although Belle and her classmates love it when their teacher, Ms. Wendt, turns the classroom into the Pyramids or an Ancient Greek amphitheater, they hate the fact that whenever they leave Ms. Wendt's room, they forget all about her magic. The memories come back when they re-enter the class, but for Belle, that's not enough. Her science teacher introduces her to alchemy, and Belle uses it to get around the door's magic. But then she learns that it was alchemy that made the door in the first place...and that an alchemist made her English teacher a prisoner of her own classroom. When Belle learns the real reason Ms. Wendt has been imprisoned, she must decide whether it is worth saving her teacher if it means she will never have magic of her own.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11431700962951592287noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6137038525559242213.post-37205479507454283912008-08-05T12:00:00.000-04:002008-08-05T12:00:00.000-04:00I didn't know there were a ton of witch books out ...I didn't know there were a ton of witch books out there, either.<BR/><BR/>I guess I need to play down the witchnes, and get the pitch to explain the heart of the story.<BR/><BR/>Minnie wastes wishes and uses misguided magic spells when dealing with the school bully, her absent mother, and best friend, who happens to be a ghost.Stephanie J. Blakehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17997433466625207454noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6137038525559242213.post-56608149198675688662008-08-05T10:43:00.000-04:002008-08-05T10:43:00.000-04:00Beth, re: your pitch....* If Belle forgets about M...Beth, re: your pitch....<BR/><BR/>* If Belle forgets about Ms. Wendt's imprisonment every time she leaves the classroom, how can she be thinking about saving her during out-of-class times (i.e. in alchemy class)? Surely she wouldn't be able to spend much time thinking about how to save her teacher if she only realizes she's imprisoned when she's actually sitting in her class.<BR/><BR/>* "... she must decide whether it is worth saving her teacher if it means she will never have magic of her own."<BR/><I>Did</I> Belle ever have magic of her own? It says her life was boring until she met her magical new English teacher. That implies Belle herself is not magical nor has the potential to be magical.<BR/><BR/>Finally, as a matter of mechanics, I found this sentence really confusing: "Ms. Wendt's classroom door has been enchanted to make everyone leaving forget about her magic powers—and forget about the fact that she is a prisoner of her own classroom." I had to read over it about five times before I understood your meaning. Since all the characters (that we know) are female, I thought perhaps it was an all-girls' school and that "her" was meant to agree with "everyone" in the sense that everyone leaving Ms. Wendt's classroom forgets that they have powers and forgets that they are prisoners. Does that make sense? That can be fixed by restructuring the sentence.<BR/><BR/>I hope this is helpful.Carlyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09092954487211569078noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6137038525559242213.post-26318718467581040952008-08-05T10:34:00.000-04:002008-08-05T10:34:00.000-04:00I'm so glad that mine was included! I'm number 31....I'm so glad that mine was included! I'm number 31.<BR/><BR/>Almost immediately after I did this contest, I heard back from my crit group, who helped me to change. I'd love to hear others' thoughts on it:<BR/><BR/>Fifteen-year-old Belle is bored with her normal life—until she meets her magical new English teacher, Ms. Wendt. Ms. Wendt's classroom door has been enchanted to make everyone leaving forget about her magic powers—and forget about the fact that she is a prisoner of her own classroom. The alchemy that Belle's science teacher shows her may be the key to saving Ms. Wendt. However, when Belle learns the real reason Ms. Wendt has been imprisoned, she must decide whether it is worth saving her teacher if it means she will never have magic of her own.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11431700962951592287noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6137038525559242213.post-47963399546609124972008-08-05T10:22:00.000-04:002008-08-05T10:22:00.000-04:00This comment has been removed by the author.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11431700962951592287noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6137038525559242213.post-31112675406815776082008-08-04T20:32:00.000-04:002008-08-04T20:32:00.000-04:00How can someone who's half-Italian also be half-Va...How can someone who's half-Italian also be half-Vampire? Isn't there a garlic conflict there?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6137038525559242213.post-63099205453925724902008-08-04T15:46:00.000-04:002008-08-04T15:46:00.000-04:00i love the phrase "half Italian, half Vampire"i love the phrase "half Italian, half Vampire"Literaticathttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15513424208149456614noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6137038525559242213.post-78010343925998841512008-08-04T11:05:00.000-04:002008-08-04T11:05:00.000-04:00re: pitch #34Hm, maybe I should mention that my fi...re: pitch #34<BR/>Hm, maybe I should mention that my first grade daughter came up with the idea for Peter's Messy Room--I just wrote the story. :)<BR/>I wonder if she could help me with my query letter, too?<BR/>MargaretMAGollahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06740642718595310949noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6137038525559242213.post-30039157987800261492008-08-04T10:28:00.000-04:002008-08-04T10:28:00.000-04:00Heads Up to Pitch No. 26-- re: "I have been a rugb...Heads Up to Pitch No. 26-- <BR/><BR/>re: "I have been a rugby player..."<BR/><BR/>This would make a great paragraph on the inside of the book jacket, right under the author photo, but you have to set that aside for now. Don't waste precious query space on yourself, unless your accomplishments specifically relate to the book you are pitching. For instance, if you were writing a non-fiction book about rugby playing, THEN you should mention it. <BR/><BR/>I did like your upbeat voice in the query, but know nothing about any book you might have written. Also, pitch ONE book, not several.<BR/><BR/>(I hope this didn't come off as snarky -- I mention these things only because I've made these mistakes before.)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6137038525559242213.post-29423800675999700492008-08-04T10:19:00.000-04:002008-08-04T10:19:00.000-04:00Interesting thoughts concerning the witches storie...Interesting thoughts concerning the witches stories, though I thought the Minnie one sounded cute. I liked the Frankie Kinnesy one as well, though books where the MC experiences "popularity" aren't my favorite.<BR/><BR/>I must be perusing the wrong section of the bookstore -- had no idea "witches" were out. I thought someone had to hit it big with a specific character for it to be on its way out -- like YA with the Twilight vampire stuff?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com